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Assertiveness vs AggressionAssertiveness vs Aggressionby Robin ChandlerEver been accused of being aggressive when you thought you were simply being assertive? This is actually quite common because usually it takes so much effort for unassertive people to stand up for themselves that their behaviour can often look more aggressive than intended. Heres what happens. Lets say that in your day-to-day life you dont feel very assertive. People take advantage of you; you are easily intimidated some of the time; you give in too easily; you accommodate other peoples wishes often above your own. A lot of the time youll rehearse in your head things you could say to stop these things from happening. The problem is, you dont. What then happens is that all those little upsets begin to grow into one big one. It gets bigger and bigger every time you dont stand up for yourself and you feel you ought to. Finally, one day youve had enough! The next time someone says something to you, expects you to stay late to finish up a report, drive the kids to school, or any number of little inconveniences, youre going to do it, youre going to say something. You plan the conversation in your head; you know exactly what youre going to say and even what they are going to say. But this takes courage! So you steel yourself for this encounter. By the time it comes around youve probably worked yourself into quite a lather, at least internally. When the moment comes this is what often happens: youre taken by surprise even though you were expecting it, and worst of all, all the words you had rehearsed go completely out of your head. But in order to save the day you decide to go for it anyway. And blast the bad guy away with both barrels. Suddenly, your usual mild-mannered approach has turned into a full-scale attack. Not only that, you may be so horrified by what you have done that you either cant stop and keep on going, making things even worse, or you scurry away full of apologies and look for a corner in which to lick your wounds. This is why you may seem aggressive when aggression is the last thing on your mind And this is why assertiveness can sometimes get a bad reputation. If other people experience you as very accommodating and perhaps even a bit of a pushover, when you push back and it gets out of hand, people dont usually react very positively. For assertiveness to work, it should be pretty much invisible, with not a double-barreled shotgun in sight. When you start thinking about becoming more assertive, you need to start with small, incremental changes rather than imagining you are going to turn into this super-confident, quick-thinking and speaking person overnight. One problem here is that we see someone else handling all these things really well, and we think, "I wish I could be like that." Personalities dont change that quickly, and besides, you are you with all your own unique qualities and abilities. Whats important is to find the small things that would help you become more assertive, instead of trying to do it all in one fell, and ultimately, aggressive swoop. |