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To Cheat or Not to Cheat

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To Cheat or Not to Cheat

by Julie Angarone

Are you currently struggling with an attraction to another even though you are married? Are you trying to rationalize reasons why it would be ok to cheat? Are you defining cheating as the act of sex so that you can rationalize the flirting you are engaging in?

Let me see if I can help you.

If it is simply you and your spouse and you are not happy with your life, then go ahead, cheat- have a ball – enjoy it – use it as a springboard for divorce- make sure you make yourself happy, don’t worry about your spouse- if you aren’t happy your spouse already knows it and is probably cheating too.

However, very few married couples are an island.

Have you made any solid relationships since joining your spouse’s family and circle of friends? Not just with your in-laws, but with couples you’ve met through your spouse. If you cheat on your spouse you cheat on those people as well. You scoff in the face of the mother-in-law who welcomed you into her family, of the father-in-law who treats you like one of his own, of the siblings that lovingly tease you for marrying their sibling. All those people will be disappointed in you; you lost their trust and their love, and their respect. You’ve made them wary of anyone else who your spouse may bring into their lives. The affect is a lasting one. The impression you’ve now made is a lasting one. The heartache may heal, your spouse may forgive you, but those people never will.

Do you have children? Do you tell them you love them? Do you love them? How much do you love them? If you are a good parent you would die for them. If a child of yours needed a transplant that only you could give them, you would do it – regardless of the risk to yourself. So how can you look in their faces when you are cheating on their other parent? Don’t you know the importance of stability in a child’s life? Don’t you know how much faith and trust that child has in you? Do you really want to see disappointment on the face of a child, caused by your infidelity? Are you so unhappy with your spouse that you don’t care what cheating might mean to your child? When you cheat on your spouse you are not just cheating on your child. You are also changing their life forever. You are putting a roadblock up in their path of life. They have to figure out how to get over it and which way to go when they get to the other side. Worse of all they end up doing it alone.

If you cheat, chances are you get divorced. You get divorced and suddenly you are putting your time and effort into your new relationship – time and effort you should be spending helping your child with their homework. Suddenly your child needs to choose between playing with their friends and having visitation. No longer does the child get up on Christmas morning and open presents and play all day. Now they do it at one house and then the other. Chances are your new love will be in constant competition with the child. You are taking money away from their college education because now you have to support 2 homes, or perhaps you and your first spouse both get remarried – are the new spouses going to want to put their hard earned money towards your child’s education – probably not.

Once your child is grown do you know how hard holidays are going to be? It’s not enough that when they get married they have to choose which side to spend holidays with – the child of divorce has to split the time with both of his estranged parents. If you were the original cheater be prepared to get less of that time. You will be a source of resentment and will lose the respect of your child if you cheat.

How do you define cheating? Sex? Cheating starts way before the first act of adultery. Cheating starts with wooing. If you are exchanging glances with someone, thinking to yourself, “If I wasn’t married” or, “I could see myself with that person” then you are at the temptation stage. All married people are confronted with such temptation at one time or another. Cheaters choose to allow the temptation to grab them, non-cheaters smile and remember how important their home life is.

Marriage takes work. If you are unhappy in your marriage you need to talk to your spouse. Again, if there are no children, why not get an amicable divorce before you cheat – that way you can leave with your head held high knowing you were faithful and had integrity. But when you made the decision to have children you made a commitment to that child- a commitment for better or worse, to give that child everything you can. You owe it to your child to seek help to keep your marriage strong and make it work. Help can be as simple as reading about how to make a marriage work – the internet is full of advice. It can be more complicated – you might want to go to counseling. Make it work. Your child’s well being and happiness are at stake. By keeping your marriage together you are telling the child that family is the most important thing.

So if you are thinking about cheating, think no more, look at your child and remember what is important. In your child you have the opportunity to teach someone everything you know, to build a person, to guide another human along, to give your child things your parents didn’t give you. Don’t trade the unconditional love you have, for resentment and a lifetime of trying to juggle your new life and your old one.

JULIE Angarone
Daughter of Divorce